The Red Kite.Sometimes known to grow to human size, the Red Kite mainly feeds on sharks. You won't find them near the coast though, oh no, they like to hang around fish markets, where they wait for the prime moment before swooping down and stealing the meat. It's favourites are Mako's and Threshers, although they have been known to prey on both orcas and basking sharks. The only bad press they have had was a recent child snatching case in Portugal. Mainly coloured purple, the 'Red' title is a myth. Listen out for a 'k-k-k-k-' sound, and also the smell of rotten foot.
Where Found - The M40 between Oxford and Staines
The Sparrowhawk.Also known as nature's wrestler, the Sparrowhawk likes to ride other birds like surfboards, then wrestles with their lifeless carcass before ripping out their intestines and fashioning a nice new nest. Often found in Churches, they are mainly public loving animals, Trafalgar square is a Sparrowhawk hotspot, aswell as Jamie Harper's front lawn. History tells tales of the sparrowhawk that ate 1014 pigeons, before exploding and causing the black death. They do have an adversity to the colour 'rainbow' though, and have often mistaken children on swings for swans, and devoured them. Beware in parks.
Where Found - They are found in your local church
The Kestrel
Historically known better as 'The Battle of Hastings', where the Normans defeated King Harold, the kestrels died out in the middle ages. Their ghosts can be frequently seen 'hovering' up and down the motorways of England where their diet mainly consists of Badgers and Foxgloves. Silent assassins, they were the sole downfall of the 'animals of farthing wood' novel series by Colin Dann. Intelligent builders, the kestrel in the above photo can be seen finishing his new 2 bed apartment near Luton.
The Swallow
One of Mother nature's many wonders, the Swallow was born with no legs. The stumps can only be balanced on telephone wires, leading to a life of constant flight. Eggs are laid via the human body, the female swallow flies into the human incubator (typically a sailor, or hipster) where it lays a clutch of 10,000 tadpoles, only one survives, by eating the rest, before leaving via the skin, leaving a swallow shaped image, sometimes known as a 'Tattoo'. Some believe the swallow to be Jesus reborn, just with no legs.
The Woodpecker
Not much to say except they were the actual reason Noah's original Arc sank, it was covered up in the tabloid of the time 'The Bible' and only the tale of Noah's second arc was told. Since then the woodpecker has found itself the scapegoat of the world, Oppressed in South Africa throughout the 20th century, and also to blame for bad structural engineering in America throughout 2001.
The Barn Owl
You know a Barn Owl is near when you can smell 'Jean-claude Van Damme' aftershave. The star of many horror films throughout the 21st century the Barn Owl is infact a violent and rabid killer. Known to eat whole swarms of wasps in one swoop, and rip childrens arms from them whilst riding bikes. Protective of their trees, they will attack humans from behind. Perhaps the Barn Owl is the most ferocious killer on the planet? History tells tales of Barn Owls sinking ships in the Spanish Armada, and in 1982, upon surfacing the sunken 'Mary Rose' galleon, a skeleton from a Barn owl 78ft in wingspan, was found. Feathers are highly sought after by the rich and famous as an alternative to rape, and earings. The bone tingling shriek of 'olololololpppppooooopopopop' is their signature call.
So there we have it, the first in my installments of bird trivia, next time I will talk about the Curlew, and how it was hitler's favourite pet, and the majestic wren, the biggest bird in the world.
TATA, sweet dreams, beware of owls.
xxx
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